Moving again..

Friday June 18
7:23 p.m.

Moving 6 times in 2 years kept me on edge, too disgusted to even care opening all my boxes. But today I dared throw away clothes, shoes, books, keeping only a few. I know them all for having chosen them with care over the years, found during the few travels I enjoyed outside of the Caribbean.
Spooky as it sounds, I'm putting my life in order, keeping only everyday essentials or objects of beauty that soothe my soul. Owning stuff is the last of my priorities. The day I have money like before, I will stay the same way. I've discovered over countless moves that things own you and slow your journey... 

Photos are the last draw. Looking at them, my heart skips a beat, my belly hurts with a huge emptiness I cannot understand.
That time is gone and in its place I find a big yearning like a claw smashing my lungs. The will to breathe is not there, and yet life keeps me in its grip, helping me stay afloat among this sea of grief.
With no immediate goal than the one to move in and to move on, my mind clings to all the self-discipline I know. Eat healthy, sleep, have faith...

Last night, fell asleep on "The Sixth Sense" from Stuart Wilde. The regular serious, off the beaten track reading that became my trademark since the age of 18.

Wearing a long yellow t-shirt my daughter left with me during her last visit, a whiff of her perfume assailed my consciousness, and I ached for her embrace all of a sudden. Yet when she is around I seem so cool and almost withdrawn, always afraid that she would judge me, smell the cigarette she hates so much on me, not love me!
Mom used to be like that. Is it the way parents are with their adult children? Sparing the kisses and the touch by shyness may be?
When my children were little, they were all over me. Kissing, hugging, wanting to be held, carried, noticed... After their teenage years they became aloof, secretive almost, and I became the guardian-no more the guardian angel-more like the housekeeper, the cook, the driver, the bank.
Love never dies... Love evolves into something anew, period. We're still part of the play, cast in confined roles, but the dialogues change, tenderness becomes promiscuity devoid of warmth.

I need to fall in love with Nature and work again, to keep thoughts of loneliness and disease at bay. While walking, God permeates all my Being, and I feel complete again, at one with Creation and the Creator.
I know I am going thru another one of these lonely spells, forgetting how privileged I am to be alive and thriving in such a peaceful, beautiful environment in the Caribbean.

The sea was raging this morning at Mullet Bay during my Morning Walk.
On a sand path on the golf, 4 stray dogs were barking at me and I stopped venturing further. Tomorrow and the days after that they'll learn to recognize me or I'll find a way to walk further down the path to avoid them. We'll see... There's room for all of us, we just have to be acquainted, that's all.

The rain is clearing and so is my mind. I've laid down my sorrows on the page and somehow what is left is a clear, hopeful mind.
Everything is perfect under Heaven on Earth.

Music: Stand by Me, Ben E.King.
Mood: cheerful!

4:20 p.m.
It takes me a while to adjust to all these people met when i go out of the house. This human crowd baffles me; have i become a stranger to life?
Petty talk between employees in stores, cellular phones glued to ears while walking, driving, working. Crowds shopping on a Saturday on the Dutch side, empty streets on the French side. Maybe all the French are glued to their t.v. for the soccer world cup?