Suffering is optional

Sunday June 20
5:43 a.m.
One of these "Hollywood" moments with a dramatic sunrise made of red sky on blue with black heavy clouds lasting only a few blessed minutes, until the sun rises, transforming the red in golden stripes and hues.
One of these glorious mornings where the presence of the Creator can be felt and I know I'll be fine, today, tomorrow, forever if I can keep my faith.

The yellow t-shirt from my daughter still holds her scent, a perfume from Victoria Secret. I folded it and placed it in the big yellow box on which I wrote one day: "What is in here IS."Symbol of my dreams, this box was to hold everything I held dear to my heart. Especially dreams... Conceived at the time I was reading (and faithfully practicing the ways of Abraham in "Ask and It is Given.")

Sometimes, we make "involuntary" choices out of laziness, not to shake the status quo, to dive in the unknown.

Swift action is always recommended when we decide to change. Environment, partner, job, habits, diet, whatever we know needs to be eradicated, needs to be done now. Or else days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months turn into years. And the damage to the fabric of our integrity goes deeper, bringing us in a daze from which it is more and more difficult to break away from.
Tears at the core of our Being are not irreversible if we remember Who We Really Are, but healing them takes a lot of our available energy. We have to become whole again before we can thrive, and this mourning phase can be extremely painful, challenging us to believe in ourselves again.

Yet all this is okay if we have learned our lesson: don't expect strength from the outside, rely on strength from the inside.
I am the certainty of the blue sky and people are these clouds passing through my psyche. No one and nothing shall be disturbing my peace of mind, undermine my intrinsic value.

6:23 a.m.
Tim comes back to mind more times than I would like to admit. 14 years have passed since we broke up. A long exhale in the nick of Time, Eternal Time. A marriage for both of us, his lasting still.
One day, years after we parted, he told me: "I now know you're right. We can love more than one person at a time." I had told him I loved him but I was still loving Gilbert with all the memory of my cells since he was the father of the children I loved daily. Tim was jealous, this didn't please him.
Memory must play tricks on us. i do not remember the first and third husbands, not one good moment (and there must have been good moments if I stayed so long with both) and not one bad moment either. Memory buried years conveniently. I remember many, many good and not so good moments with Gilbert and Tim. They were brushed aside with the realization of loss. A song, a place, a smell and all comes back to me. Suffering is optional so I do not linger too long in those memories, afraid that tears will want to well in my eyes and victimize my lonely heart.
Unspoken words have the tendency to burn your throat, especially when you know their recipients do not care for them. Unspoken words are the inconvenient truth, your truth, not theirs.

These days my heart doesn't bleed for the world anymore. Untouched by T.V. and the News, I can concentrate on my own journey. Living in harmony with All That Is is enough for me. Living up to my own expectations is enough for me.
I have changed. The fire of youth and self-righteousness has cooled down. In its place, the soft glow of wisdom has taken place.
I am responsible of my life and it's already a job big enough to keep me on my toes 24/7.
I love. I am loved. These words are sinking deeper in my consciousness. I have it all if I have love, right?
Mood: Hopeful. Music: Because, The Beatles.Because (Made Famous by The Beatles)


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